


Together we will live forever

by Amie33



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-08
Updated: 2013-02-08
Packaged: 2017-11-28 15:44:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/676094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amie33/pseuds/Amie33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>The Library. Come as soon as you can. x </em><br/>His breath stopped, and he thought that his hearts stopped too. His blood froze in his veins. His hands shook, and he couldn’t prevent them. Memories flooded his mind: images, voices, feelings. The smell of books. Darkness. Flashes. The way she had looked at him. Her hand gripping his. The tremor of her voice. A last tear running down her face. She had disappeared, and there was nothing he could have done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Together we will live forever

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kerjen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kerjen/gifts).



> I wrote this fic about a year ago, but had a few issues with the beta... and then Kerjen appeared and did the whole thing in a few hours. I LOVE YOU FOR EVER FOR THAT HONEY.  
> I really love that fic and I'm soooooooooo glad I finally can post it. I hope you'll enjoy.  
> Title from the amazing Clint Mansell.

_The Library. Come as soon as you can. x_

His breath stopped, and he thought that his hearts stopped too. His blood froze in his veins. His hands shook, and he couldn’t prevent them. Memories flooded his mind: images, voices, feelings. The smell of books. Darkness. Flashes. The way she had looked at him. Her hand gripping his. The tremor of her voice. A last tear running down her face. She had disappeared, and there was nothing he could have done.

He remembered how he had run for her, how he had tried to save her, whatever trace was left of her in those flickering green lights. He remembered how weak they had been, and he couldn’t help but shiver, wondering what had _really_ remained. A reflection. A ghost. A pale representation of herself.

He closed his eyes, trying to breathe again. Maybe it was nothing but a dream. He would wake up, and all would vanish. There was nothing on that paper. Only a projection of his own fears. He was tired. Nothing was real.

He opened his eyes again but the writing was still there, on the psychic paper, scoffing him, torturing him. His whole body was shaking now, and he had to sit down, eyes still focused on the paper. There was a mistake, there must be a mistake.

But there was no mistake. Everything was real. It was the same message. The same call. He could tell. He could recognize it. He had not forgotten anything about that day. Images came to him, every day, every night, each time he was alone, each time he looked at her... There was no doubt.

It was the same message.

He had to face the facts. The message had come twice. The first time, hundred years ago, to his younger self; the second time, now. One message. Two time streams. Two versions of him.

A second chance?

His breath quickened as he recovered, new thoughts forming in his mind. There _was_ a reason. There must be. A second chance, he had a second chance to save her. And he couldn’t miss it. He had been thinking for years of a way to save her, and now it was time to make a decision. He had to. He couldn’t let her die twice without doing anything. That was not acceptable. That was not bearable.

But he had to be careful. He was about to cross his own timeline. He was about to change his past. He knew he couldn’t. He shouldn’t. It was a fixed point of his life, of her life. And she was bound to him, her life and his intimately and intricately mixed. It was her death, it was her end, his beginning – or so it always had seemed. He had already cheated his own death, would he find a way to cheat hers? Could he? Would he?

He stood up hastily, tossing the paper over his shoulder and reaching for the console. He pushed buttons and pulled on levers, flying the Tardis, following the mental path of the message. He had no ideas, no plans - not yet. But he was thinking, calculating, searching, rejecting what was impossible, looking for possibilities, _every_ possibility. He could find something. He could do it.

The thought crossed his mind that maybe it was useless, that her death was the only solution. Yes, it was a possibility.

It had been a fact. It still was.

He shook his head. He couldn’t allow himself to think about that. He could not fail. And if he did... He would never forgive himself. Not this time.

x.

He turned off the brakes and cloaked the Tardis in case he met his younger self or the Vashta Nerada – he would rather not die now, after all this. And so he landed, silently, and no one could have guessed he was there.

He checked the scanner; yes, he was right. It was the same message. He was in the Library. A few hours after he had come the first time, obviously. And a few floors below.

His breath stopped as he watched the scene in front of him. They were arguing. They were arguing about the fact that what he was doing was not only dangerous, but _lethal_. And this time he could see it coming, her fist punching his face. His younger self fell to the floor, unconscious.

This was real. This was really happening, again. A tear trickled down his cheek, as he watched her,alone, wonderful and brave, his River, the River that was about to give her last life to him, for him – and 4,022 other people too,right, but she was saving _his_ life first. Saving the love of her life, a man who had just met her, who had been so rude with her, a man who had looked through her and had seen nothing, a man who had treated her like she was anyone, no one. And he was so wrong… But she loved him, even now, even after all the things he had done to her. His River.

He stroked the screen as she stepped back from the unconscious him, her fist still clenched, realization showing in her eyes. She turned around, looking at the computers, staring at the chair – _the_ chair, waiting for her, like a throne that would carry her royally to the end of her road. And like a queen she sighed and recovered, proud and unhesitant, knowing it was her fate and accepting it, like she had known, like she had been waiting for it for years and years. And she was beautiful.

She wiped away a tear and turned back, reaching for a pair of handcuffs and dragging him on the floor until she could restrain him. She took her diary, staring at it for a while, stroking its cover gently, slowly. He knew she was thinking of his skin, and he could almost feel her fingers running on him. Safe in the ship, he shivered as she finally put it on the ground. It had always been with her, that diary, the story of her life, of his life, of their love. It was her memories, it was her feelings, it was her acts, it was all they had done together. And she was letting it go. It was as if she was dying for a first time. It was as if she was already gone.

She closed her eyes for a second and when she opened them something was gone, vanished, moved in her abandoned book, a part of her mind she had closed to be strong enough.

That was the moment he did something really mad. He shouldn’t have. But he couldn’t stay still and watch her.

He stepped out.

x.

She gasped of shock as she heard the sound of a door slamming and she recognized that sound, she always would. She turned back and he was there, walking to her. Him. _Her_ him.

“No, no, no,” she whispered, stepping backwards. But her back hit a wall, and he came closer. Her hands were shaking, and as he took them she could feel that he was shaking too. She swallowed tears.

“River,” he breathed out, and she could see the tears in his own eyes too. “My beautiful, my brave River.” It hurt, seeing him, hearing his voice with such knowledge, such love.

“No, no, no,” she repeated, but she was unable to push him over, unable to even try to escape his hands.

“I know,” he said, "I should not. I…”

“Go, please, go,” she cut him and he couldn’t imagine the strength she must have to ask him that, now. She glanced at the countdown and he knew she was afraid. For the first time of her life, surely.

“I will." He cupped her face, forcing her to look at him. “Everything will be okay, I swear to you.”

“It’s too late,” she replied, smiling, almost laughing, and it might be some nervous tic, not to break down, “I don’t believe in lies anymore.”

“River!”he shouted out at her and she jumped, not used to such harshness. “I’ll find a way. I’ll come back. I promise you. I’ll come back and get you out of here.”

“How?”

“I… I don’t know yet. I’m working on it.”He stepped back, freeing her, a hand running into his hair and it was so him, she felt like her heart was breaking up. “But I will. I can. I will.”

He was leaving already, walking in direction of the Tardis and she felt empty, even more now that he had come.

“Doctor!” she shouted out, running to him and grabbing his arm to stop him. He looked at her, confused, and she knew he was already thinking about a way to fix everything up. “What if…”

“I won’t.”

“I will die here.” And it scared her, the fact that she could say that, that she could put words on the situation, that she could face it, making it so _real_.

“You won’t,” he replied, pale and weak, and she could feel the chills that crossed his whole body. He was not sure. Not as sure as he should be. He really didn’t know how he would save her. But it was not changing anything. She had made her decision, minutes ago, and she would not change now, just because he had come.

“If I… I wanted to tell you...”

He put a finger on her lips and stopped her. “Don’t. I know. Everything my love, I know.”He stroked her cheek and bent down, kissing her forehead tenderly. She released his arm, closing her eyes to feel it properly, what may be his last kiss. She breathed in deeply, the smell of him, and the particles of time everywhere around. It gave her strength, to do what she had to do. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to save her this time. But it was okay, it was right, everything would be all right, because she would save him, and he would learn, and he would love her, and he would do everything again, and maybe their story had no beginning and no end, a never-ending circle, and her death would mean nothing.

“See you soon,” he whispered, and his eyes lingered on her face for a second. Then he smiled, and somehow she smiled back.

Then he left her, entering the invincible Tardis, disappearing, and she believed that it was the last time.

“Goodbye my love,” she whispered to herself. She turned around, staring at the chair which was still waiting for her.

Go on then, she had things to do.

x.

He ran into to the console room and flew the Tardis far from the room he had just left, positioning them on the orbit of the planet. He needed space. He needed time. He needed a plan. A good plan. Quickly. Time was running out, faster and faster. And he couldn’t stop it. Not today.

He was turning around the console, hands on his head, tugging his hair as if it could help ideas coming out of his mind, wincing, growling, speaking aloud a succession of words that had no sense except for himself. It seemed like he had never thought so quickly, but he couldn’t find what he was looking for. It was too late to carry out half of his plans; the other half would involve changing time, and he could not. Last time they tried, the result was worse than what they were trying to avoid.

He yelled out, feeling powerless, fear and pain becoming stronger and stronger, flooding his mind, drowning his ideas, and he couldn’t breath, he couldn’t calm down. He was reaching for the solution as he was reaching for air, feeling time flying away, hearing the cruel tick tock ringing around him, rushing through his whole body. He could hear it laughing against his ears, he could _feel_ it laughing, and telling him how small, how weak, how incapable he was. And then it was anger which rose up, rushed over all his feelings, flooding every single of his cells, clinking against his bones, filling up his muscles, invading his brain. Anger and hatred. He hated fate, he hated time and he hated himself, more than everything, because he knew the solution was somewhere, close, and he could not find it.

He shouted again, angry and scared and hateful, and at the same time he hit the console. He hit his friend, his only friend left, the one who was still here, who had always been here, who always would, and he hurt her _because_ she was the only one left, the only one that was there.

“It is _your_ fault!” he screamed out, tears running down his face, distorted with pain. “If you had brought me here at the right time, I could have –“

He couldn’t finished his sentence, as all lights turned suddenly off and the Tardis hurt him in return, sending him an electrical shock that pushed him back and he fell on the ground. He stayed down for a while, in shock.

The anger vanished as he realised he shouldn’t have told her that. The old girl had always loved River as much as he loved her – and _before_ him actually. She was a part of her, she had made her, she had made her what she was – more than he himself had. River was her friend, her family, her daughter in some kind of way, and she suffered as much as he suffered. She had done everything she could have done. She had given him everything he needed. And she…

His thoughts stopped and suddenly everything was clear.

“Oh, this is brilliant!” he laughed out, wiping away his tears as he stood up. Lights turned back on as he reached the console, stroking it gently. _“_ This is mad and there’s the possibility that it does not work, if I don’t calibrate it precisely, if I’m a microsecond late, a microsecond early but…” the ship hummed around him, as excited as he was, glad that he _finally_ found out something, pleased that he was smiling again. “One minute left,”he added, checking the countdown on the scanner. “Short, short, very short, but not impossible.”

“Let’s do it Sexy, let’s save River!”

x.

_You and Me. Time and Space. You watch us run._

Seconds were passing by in front of her eyes, and she couldn’t stop them. She was sitting down, wires around her, about to connect her to the hard drive, and she was waiting. “ _I’ll come back,”_ he had said. She was talking with him, with his younger him, but the only thing she could think about was the older him, the one who had just left, promising he would come back.

He would not.

She tried to be strong. Because the one in front of her didn’t understand anything, couldn’t understand. She was about to die and the only one Doctor with her was completely lost. And scared. Perhaps more than she was. And she couldn’t help but love him, even if he was young and if he talked to her like she was a stranger. She tried to protect him, she tried to lessen his pain, she tried to explain it wasn’t his fault, that it would never be. And she tried not to show him that she was scared too, that she was terrified, that she was hurt.

_River you know my name. You whispered my name in my ear. There's only one way I would ever tell anyone my name. There's only one time I could._

He had no idea...

She looked at the countdown. Maybe he was late. Or maybe he hadn’t found anything. It didn’t matter. She wasn’t cross. She didn’t blame him. She knew he had tried – would try everything. But she also knew that sometimes he failed. And it wasn’t his fault. It never was, never would be.

She could not stop a single tear escaping her eyes.

_Hush now. Spoilers_

She smiled, because it brought back memories, so many memories. She took the two wires in her hands, looked at the countdown.

She had the best life with him. Better than she could have imagined. She regretted nothing. She just wished she could have said goodbye.

The countdown was ending. She connected the wires together, and the moment she did she had flashes, images passing in front of her eyes. It was true, what they said, that you saw all your life the moment you died.

Memories. The way he touched her. The taste of his lips. The rub of his hands over her skin. His fragrance. The sound of his voice. The first time they met. Their wedding. Their weddings. The times they saved the universe. The time they did not. The laughter. The tears. All the nights. Stars they touched. Kisses they shared. The moments they argued. The moments they made up. The love they shared, the love they made. Kissing and stroking and biting and licking, skin against skin, when there was nothing between us and all space was in their hands, bliss surrounding them, singing for them, dancing for them.

Everything vanished, all the memories, one by one, they all disappeared and she felt every single of her cells exploding, blowing up, burning for a last time.

Then, the void.

x.

…

x.

Something was wrong.

x.

…

x.

She gasped. Air was still entering her lungs, blood was still running into her veins. And it hurt. Everything. She was alive.

She opened her eyes, and had to stopped herself from falling as she was standing up now, still in her heavy spacesuit. Alive.

She looked around, swallowing, trying to understand what had happened. The moment before she was about to die and now she was, she was… She was in the Tardis. Safe. Apparently. Alive.

Was it a dream? Or hell? Or heaven? She pinched herself, and it hurt, and she could feel her last tear on her cheek, damp and salty and cold, and the ship was humming around her. _This is not a dream. You’re alive._

She slowly recovered, and turned on her feet, suddenly afraid that, if she was alive, maybe he was… But no. He was standing next to the console, staring at her, opened mouth.

Relief had not time to fill her as she was overflowed by other feelings. She had been so scared. And so sad. And all she had done…

“You!” she shouted out, as everything she had been containing for hours was flooding her. “What were you thinking?”She knew she had no right to be cross with him because he had just saved her, but it was that or collapsing on the ground. “Coming at that moment and telling me you would be back!”She was shouting loudly, screaming, still shaking, in front of him but he did not move, not say anything, still staring at her. “And you did not come back. Do you realize what I was thinking about? Do you realize how I feel? You made me believe I was about to die and you –“

She stopped as he suddenly fell on the ground, sobbing violently, his hands shaking, his whole body shaking, his head hidden in his knees, and all her anger vanished.

“Doctor?” She kneeled in front of him, unsure of what she could do. She was afraid to touch him, as he seemed to react physically and violently, and of course he would not hurt her but she was afraid he would hurt himself.

“Doctor?” she asked again, as calm as possible. He kept on shaking and crying, but he lifted his head and looked up at her. His lips moved, trembling, but no word came out.

“Shh...” she said, reassuringly, and she dared to take his hand. He grabbed hers, tightly, fingers entwined with her and it hurt, but she did not care. Pain meant that it was real.

“You...” he finally managed to articulate between his tears. “You... you're alive.”

And it hit her. She had thought she was going to die. And he thought she was. The younger him. He had seen her die. The day he met her. And he thought it was his fault. And he thought that he could not do anything about it – fixed point, he knew that.

“You're alive,” he repeated, as he couldn’t believe it himself. “You're alive.” He was still crying, sobbing like a child. He was crying for all the years of doubt, all the years of pain, all the years that brought them to the end. Except that it was not the end.

“Oh, Sweetie,” were the only words that she could say, and she was about to cry herself. She wanted to sit against him, she wanted to hug him and rock him and hold him closer. But the moment she wanted to move, she realized she was still trapped in her spacesuit that was restricting all her movements. She cursed and stood up to take it off, almost ripping it off of her. She didn’t want to feel it anymore on her. Never. Maybe they should burn it. There were too many memories in it, bad memories, sad memories. She looked at it, laying on the ground, and she felt sick and dizzy. But it was over. Everything was over now.

She stopped staring at it and turned back to the Doctor, the sobbing and moaning heap against the console that was the Doctor. Her Doctor. She sat down next to him and wrapped her arms around him, pressing him against her. He held her tightly, his head against her neck, his fingers gripping her top and she could feel his tears sliding over her skin.

“It's all right now,” she whispered to him, kissing his forehead, running a hand through his hair and it felt good, being with him again, feeling him against her again, breathing, his hearts beating, his skin hot against hers.

She closed her eyes, and for a long while they didn’t move, didn’t say anything, just holding each other like there was nothing more important in the universe. And there was not.

x.

He made love to her. For hours. Again and again, until all the pain was gone away. Safe, the curtains of their four-poster bed closed, so they could pretend there was nothing in the universe but the two of them.

They made it slowly, because they had time now, they had all the time they wanted. Their only deadline had been reached, and they had passed it, and now they had infinity in front of them. It was something a bit scary, as neither of them knew where they were going now. There were no spoilers anymore. No certainty. All the time and space and the only thing they could refer to was them, him and her, and her and him, being together.

He mapped her, reaching all the parts of her body he could reach, every cell, once, twice, three times, and again and again, cataloguing, listing, checking, comparing, to make sure she was there, really there, that it was her, really her, still the same. He kissed her, he stroked her, he bit her, he licked her, and she tasted salty, the salt of his own tears covering her whole body. He drew symbols on her back, traced invincible paths on her stomach, whispered words onto her skin like magic spells, and his hands ran over her legs, his palms climbed over the top of her breasts, his thumb slid along her shoulders, his fingers got themselves lost in her hair. His mouth flew over hers, covered her face, teeth scratching against her bones and tongues licking her bruises, while his lips gently brushed over every part of her body.

She let him do everything, let him lead the way, only responding to each of his movements. She shivered when he stroked her slightly, slowly. She moaned when he pressed against her, closer than ever, his hands and lips and his whole him everywhere. Her breath went faster when his pace got quicker, and she sighed more peacefully when he slowed down. Her heartbeats followed his, and with her palms flat against his chest she could feel them racing madly under her hands. She jumped when he bit her, she shuddered when he filled her, and she screamed when he made her come, again and again until she forgot how to breathe, until she forgot there was something else in the world out of them. Out of their bodies trapped together, out of his voice, repeating her name like a mantra, like he could not believe it, like it could make her more real, more true, just saying her name again and again.

They only stopped when they were too exhausted to move again. They stayed close, holding each other tightly, as much skin against skin as they could. Then they just rested, feeling each other, breathing each other, enjoying each other. Eyes closed, fingers entwined, and they did not move, did not even speak. Just stayed together.

x.

“So, tell me,” _s_ he finally asked, hours after. “How did you do it?”

He stopped stroking her arms and kissed her shoulders gently, nuzzling against her hair. “How I did what?”

She turned around, lying on her back so she could face him, and his hand found a new place, sliding over her stomach.

“That. Saved me.”

He smiled. He could now. The pain was gone, the fear had disappeared, and he could think about the moment of doubts, of uncertainty, with enough hindsight to smile. He closed his eyes for a second, remembering every details, and when he opened them again they were shining more than ever.

“I think you should thank the Old Girl,”he answered, and as he said that the ship hummed, and the lights blinked around them. River could not help but smile too, as she felt joy and kindness surrounding them, and she replied to the caress with a silent thank you.

“I took a bit of her memory...”he finally said, and she felt like waking up, “… so CAL could have enough to extract the people from her core. I did it the nanosecond before you sacrificed yourself, imitating your electrical signature so everybody will believe that you really sacrificed yourself. And of course it did not give me so much time to get you out before you were burnt out, and the thing is, I think we’ve lost several rooms and we must check what had disappeared, but…”

“Thank you,” she cut him, lifting up a bit to brush her lips against his,“Thank you,” she said again against his mouth. His hands moved up, on her cheeks first as they kissed slowly, then on her back, pressing her closer against him. He fell backwards, taking her with him and she rolled over him, giggling. The kiss was broken but she was still safely pressed against him, her head finding a place in the crook of his neck and he could feel her chest moving up and down against his, her breath hot on his skin, her hearts beating strongly close to him, her blood rushing regularly in her veins. He had never thought he would be able to feel them again, after all that had happened that day.

“What are we… What am I supposed to do now?” she asked, suddenly serious.

“I–“ he tightened his grip around her. “I did not really think about it,”he admitted. He remained silent for a moment, thinking, and when he spoke again, it was with a serious tone that even surprised himself. “I… I supposed you can’t just come back. Everybody thinks that you died today, and so did I. I never had a single clue that you had survived. I never met you after that day.” He paused for a second. “I think you must be very careful now.”

She nodded, not able to say anything as she was thinking too, and trying to imagine what her life would be like now.

“I could drop you somewhere if you want to. And… Maybe… Well… You could… You could stay. Here. With me,” he continued and she could feel hope in his voice, hope and something else. Apprehension, because they had never done that before. Not that way. She shivered, as she realized what it could mean.

“Stay with you?” she asked, her voice weaker than she intended, trembling a bit.

“Yes,”he whispered. She lifted up, leaning on her elbow to look into his eyes.

“Together? In the right order?”

“Yes. And… Yes.” He agreed, stroking her cheek gently and she leaned against his hand, smiling.

“That sounds like a good plan,” she breathed out, fighting tears of joy.

“No more spoilers. No more timey-wimey complicated time lines. No more my-first-your-last stuff. No more diaries. Well, of course we still can, sometimes, meeting in the wrong order, if you want to, if you miss it, just to make fun, you know, to–“

“Oh!” she suddenly exclaimed, realization showing up in her eyes. “My diary. I left it to you. What have you done with it?”

He frowned. “I think… I think I’ve left it in the Library. Yes, that’s it, I left it over there.” He closed his eyes, visualizing his memories. “Yes, sure, I’m completely sure.”

She sighed in relief. She had been afraid that, maybe, he had destroyed it.

“Can we… Can I have it back? I know, it might be useless now but it’s… There are all my memories in it. There is all our life in it. I would like to keep it. To remember.”

“Of course, we’ll go after it.”

“Thank you,”she said, kissing him quickly before resting and pressing against his chest with delight. She sighed peacefully.

Everything would be all right now.

x.

They landed in the Library for the last time, during the same day, a few minutes after her pretend death – his real rescue. They did it silently again, so nobody would see them, so nobody would ever know. It was the end of the day, the sun was colouring the sky in pink and orange nuances, and it would have been beautiful if there had not been all those events.

They arrived the moment his tenth regeneration took her screwdriver, the screwdriver he had made for her purposefully, and ran back to the Library, ran like he had never ran before, ran to save her soul, ran to save what he had thought was the only remaining parts of her. He knew that, what his younger self was doing. It was something they would have to talk about one day. It was her choice now to decide what they should do about it, about her, about the parts of her consciousness that had been saved in CAL. But not now. Not today.

He watched his younger self disappearing and waited a few seconds before taking his eyes off of the scanner and turning back, nodding slightly to her. Without a single word she took his hand and they stepped back together.

The Library was as silent as it was when they had both come the first time. There was no sound around, but the noises of their feet on the ground, echoing between the vast shelves of books. Except they knew now what was hiding behind them, waiting in the dark at the end of the day before invading the planet completely again. He could feel River shivering next to him. He tightened his grip around her hand, and they walked faster.

They finally reached her diary, and she released his hand to take it carefully. She stroked its cover with the tip of her fingers, and he could see a smile forming on her face. For a second he wondered if she would let him read it, now that there was nothing to hide anymore. Better, he wondered if they would read it together, and comparing it with his, sharing memories, sharing the _same_ memories for once, _all_ of them. Or maybe they would not, never, because there were things that should remain secret.

She pressed the old book against her chest and her look lingered on the place around them, before glancing a last time at the sky.

“Come on, let’s go,” she finally said when she was ready, and her voice was trembling a bit.

So they left. And they never came back.

**_the end_**  



End file.
